The change in seasons can be rough, as SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) gives way to SWD (Seasonal Wardrobe Disorder).
Before you think about digging out the same old spring clothes, cross-reference your clobber with this list of non-negotiable no-nos.
Are you a) Ryan Gosling, b) in prison or c) about to climb a mountain that requires thermal layers? If the answer is none of the above, then put down the armless tank or, ideally, burn it.
Wearing a vest in public gives off the impression that you’re the sort of man who subsists on Pot Noodles and bottles of Stella for the majority of his nutritional intake. Leave them to the only man who was ever able to pull them off: Marlon Brando in Streetcar.
Humans have been wearing flip-flops since the time of the Egyptians in 1500BC – but we’ll let Tutankhamun slide seeing as the Pharaoh didn’t have the high street at his disposal.
Aside from looking pretty naff, evidence shows this summertime staple can also cause a range of foot-based problems including metatarsalgia (or inflammation of the ball of the foot), hammertoe and fungal infections. Save them purely for the beach, pool, spa, and shared showers.
The favoured style of those more gifted in the chest department than Pamela Anderson. Extreme, chest-flashing cuts will indeed show off a honed physique, but they’ll also make you look like a bit of a tool.
Swap the plunging neckline for a classic V-neck T-shirt in a breathable cotton blend that’ll still give a refined silhouette without the Jersey Shore vibes.
“Utilitarian is in,” you hear us cry as you lunge for the nearest pair of military-inspired cargo shorts. But, halt. While slimmer, trouser-length versions get the go-ahead, cropped, pocketed shorts are a crime against humanity.
The bulk added by often-overstuffed pockets will destroy any trim silhouette, and they’re always too long (a short should hit just above the kneecap). Either commit to cargo pants or stick to chino shorts.
Hats in any form are risky, but none elicit quite the same level horror as the visor. For starters, it lacks a head, so there’s that whole issue of impending sunstroke. Plus, it makes any man look like a 1940s accountant.
Its sole purpose is to keep the sun out of your eyes – so just buy a pair of sunglasses and side step looking like a fool. See, this style thing is easy.
Nothing screams “I have no personality” louder than a pair of novelty shades (sorry, Kanye).
Leave jokey pineapple specs and Yeezy-style shutter shades to children and ‘lads on tour’. Instead, invest in a classic style like the Clubmaster or Wayfarer to let your killer wit take centre stage.
Mish-mash man jewellery only works on Captain Jack Sparrow. The pirate-meets-Gap Yah look has never been in style, no matter what Russell Brand tried to do in the noughties.
Subtle pieces get a pass but steer clear of shells, bits of wood and anything that jangles, even if you’re on a beach in Bora Bora.
A minor crime, but one that still deserves a sartorial slap on the wrist. Invest in some breathable footwear to go sock-free for summer, or buy some invisible socks.
Just don’t think no one can see the white linings poking out when you opt for trainer liners. Because we can.
Linen attracts wrinkles, it’s one of the fabric’s charms – and it looks better for it, like George Clooney. But like Cloons will no doubt come to find, too many can be a bad thing.
Unless you have an assistant to follow you around with a steamer, stick a linen-blend instead to avoid the crisp-packet-in-the-wind look.
Just no. Never.
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